Be Your Own Editor

For those who didn’t see it, the objective of my most recent writing exercise was to tell a story in three paragraphs. Not just any story, but one for which I provided the bare bones:

A woman rushing to an appointment has a fender-bender, resulting in her meeting an intriguing man.

My hope was that such narrow parameters would inspire conciseness and creativity, and in many cases it did. But, to be honest, no one blew me away enough to be declared the bestest of the bestest (and, FYI, points were taken off for writing three extremely long paragraphs… that wasn’t exactly the idea). So I’m going to extend the deadline, and, in the meantime, post an interesting entry or two and share my feedback in hopes of providing inspiration.

Here’s an intriguing submission, along with my thoughts, both positive and negative.

This one comes from Darin. Thanks for participating, Darin!

Ellen Brusilov frantically drove her 1987 Green Plymouth in the fast lane of the 405 Freeway. Swerving from left to right, from lane to lane, she attempted to navigate her way through the suburban obstacle course which had become a metaphor for her fractured life. She knew she would never make the meeting in time. She further knew, with the same certainty, that the meeting would be ultimately meaningless, even if she had succeeded in being prompt. But, like everything else in her life, it seemed more important to presume importance.

Trying to soothe herself with her mantra to accept the things that cannot be changed, the frazzled office worker drove her car to the freeway exit and entered onto the large boulevard. As she drove down the streets at a speed beyond the recommended limit, she never gave a moment of thought to. the irony of her mantra and its inconsistencies with her own striving for success and happiness.

Out of the corner of her eye, Ellen saw through her passenger window a dashing young man with striking features heading directly toward her in a blue Honda Civic. Their eyes locked: his in fear, hers in empathetic connection. For a brief moment, her life suddenly had meaning and that meaning was hurling at her at 15 miles per hour. Her soul cried out for the bond to be made real, for the spiritual connection to reach out to the human plane, and for the love that she only imagined into enter her frail existence. And, as the cars connected and the wheels skidded from impact, Ellen Brusilov knew that she had indeed made the meeting in time.

This story’s got great energy. We get to know a character, learn a few meaningful details about her life, and find humor and hope in the end. One the other hand, it’s a story that could be even more effective—if it was shorter. Yes, shorter. Look at these three sentences alone, taken from the beginning, middle, and end:

Ellen Brusilov frantically drove her 1987 Green Plymouth in the fast lane of the 405 Freeway. Out of the corner of her eye, Ellen saw through her passenger window a dashing young man with striking features heading directly toward her in a blue Honda Civic. And, as the cars connected and the wheels skidded from impact, Ellen Brusilov knew that she had indeed made the meeting in time.

Now tell me: do those three sentences not tell us most of what we need to know? That last clause alone contains a tremendous amount of meaning. And how great is the image if a 1987 Plymouth in the fast lane? The interesting thing about this exercise is that it sometimes prompts a writer to overwrite, thinking he needs to squeeze as much information as possible into a minuscule word count. But words don’t always equal information… not new or necessary information, anyway.

I get a terrific sense from these paragraphs of who Ellen is, but it doesn’t come from the sentences that explain who she is explicitly, or through cliche. The irony of Ellen’s “mantra” doesn’t need to be spelled out for the reader… It’s poignantly clear from the wonderful pair of sentences that describe her knowing she’ll be late for a meaning and, at the same time, knowing that meeting is meaningless. Don’t bury subtle gems like that in a flurry of easy cliches: the “frazzled office worker” who “frantically drove.”

Instead of reinforcing what you’ve already established about Ellen, why not give us a more interesting description of the man approaching her? In what way is he “dashing”? (A word, by the way, that should probably be confined to romances or period novels. I’m a modern woman in the big city, and I’d never think it. Would Ellen?) What is it that makes his features “striking”? It’s all in the details, and those adjectives don’t provide any. Fill every word with as much information as possible.

This brief tale is a perfect example of how a little wise editing can take a good story and make it great. Darin, if you’re interested in doing so, feel free to do a little polishing and send in a revision! And other comments are welcome, as long as they’re supportive and constructive. Remember, writing is always rewriting. I hope my critique was helpful… Always remember that if your writing wasn’t worth rewriting, no one would bother critiquing it. Nicely done, Darin.

As for the rest of you… Keep those submissions coming! And blow me away. Seriously. I know you can.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 5th, 2006 at 2:24 am and is filed under Writing Contests & Exercises. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.